Healing the childhood trauma- Complex PTSD

Silence encourages the abuser and gives more power to them. The embarrassment, confusion and disgust that you feel after the act of sexual assault has happened is damaging to the self worth and self-esteem. It starts to teach you that you are not worth and you need validation from everyone around you. You feel everyone is judging you because you constantly judge yourself and you feel that you deserve whatever has happened to you or happening to you. You reaffirm about your own feelings as you are not allowed to express yourself the way you are feeling so the fight within yourself starts taking toll on your body and since we keep the feelings bottled up, the brain makes compartments to store the information in the body. The body starts remembering things when its in a relaxed state or even a small trigger to remember the incident that changed you gives you a panic attack and flashbacks. It's gushing of all sort of emotions so the brain cant take it and asks the body to help and body takes a little on itself. That's when we know that we have build those walls up so high that we are not letting anyone in and most importantly not even letting our feelings out too. Always questioning about all our decisions and life choices and feeling belittled and not feeling proud of ourselves. There is self sabotage and lack of self love. 

Maximum times the abuser is known or a family member and the victim is asked to keep quiet and never say anything to anyone. So what about the feelings of the victim? Why there is a burden on the victim to bear the relationship responsibility and maintaining the relationship in the eyes of the society and people is so important that they dismiss or try to hide the actions of the abuser? This sketch that I made shows what happens to the child when they have to go through something like this. This may be disturbing to few but we should not be silent anymore. We need to talk more about child abuse, they are not just small kids with amazing imagination skills or just attention seekers.

Staying silent gives the abuser the opportunity to push your boundaries even more and then we loose the sense of our identity and not able to build healthy boundaries in any relationship. When people say they feel they should be a bigger person and forget what has happened in the past but they have not dealt with the pain, well not felt the pain or loss, they hide a part and keep it aside and not let the anger come. Doesn't mean that you have to go and punch the person but you have to let yourself feel whatever emotions are coming to you and see it as a visitor, acknowledge it, sit with it so you can let it go and finally move on. Its like I feel angry so you say okay, its fair enough and its okay to feel that way. Lets think about why we feel the anger? Is it resentment, irritation, pain, grief and that anger is trying to protect me so I don't feel the pain? Then it slowly starts to unveil and peel the layers. Instead of identifying with the emotions we have to look at the emotions from a third person's perspective. So Instead of saying I am angry we can say I am feeling angry. Acknowledge it, then you can see it from a distance and introspect, as in where it is coming from and then finally let it go.

Stopping to let ourselves feel helps to take the pain away or going numb helps to ease the pain but all that is temporary solution. People who try to show that they are very strong and they don't cry or show their vulnerability tend to hide a whole lot of things inside their body. Pain, anger, resentment, shame, guilt, embarrassment etc. The courage is in showing your wounds and opening up and not in showing that you are strong or wear a mask and be a people pleaser, think about yourself first. SPEAK UP even if no one believes you, the truth will come out and people will know who was right or who was wrong. 

If someone asks me what would I say to my child self, I would say to learn how to self parent and learn to trust yourself. Be patient with yourself and love yourself. You do not need to share every single details of your day or life with anyone as long as you have your self esteem intact, no one can harm you. Everyone should go through therapy and the therapist has to be a good one.

Dennis, the lucky dog

So here is a story about Dennis, the lucky dog.

Lets talk about bad parenting and when I say that it is always a case of bad parenting and the energy the dog picks up from pet parents. The owners did not let him socialize with people since he was over protective he had trust issues with people coming home. So when anyone use to come home he was locked up either in the balcony or in the bedroom. Till 6 years they kept him locked out in the balcony and he was not given exercise as per his breed requires, the German shepherd. The nails were never clipped so his paws spread and the joint was turned outwards, fur was not in a good condition and there were many skin problems. Due to all this he had an aggressive behavior and he use to snap on anyone coming near him. 

After trying to find places for him to find a loving family, we fostered him and tried our best to read his behavior and understand what we can do but due to the snappy behavior he was not getting adopted. As a personality he was protective for me and during the walks he never let anyone pass by or there was some trouble with the bikes passing by as well. 

We decided to adopt him. He wanted alone time and separate space where he can chill and roam around so our house was open for him. If anyone was scared of him we didn't let that person visit our house. He was made familiar with the people who use to come and work for us slowly by training them to be around him. Then we started working on his walks since he used to pull a lot. Then Sunny Luthra came in to help him out and socialize. He was able to walk properly and he did all sorts of positive reinforcement. We were very happy to see the changes in Dennis and in ourselves. I was able to see how more confident I can be with myself and how sorted I have to be to make him feel calm and composed. Although once in a while he does jump and scare the hell out of people and we keep a distance from people who are scared of him. But he is more calm more better and still needs to learn to be calm. He loves to meet our friends and let people in the house. There is more mental and emotional work we need to do on ourselves and on him. He has a fixed routine of walk and food, he looks happier and healthier. 

We love him to the core.

Sadhu - The warrior

Mixed feelings is what I can say I feel right now. Happy and hopeful that there are few people who are ready to help Sadhu in his surgery and recovery and sad that I could not find him earlier or someone did not see him earlier or may be seen him and said what can we do. Not blaming anyone but I think the animals deserve this earth and space more than humans do. All we have done to the animals and earth is harm and destroy. But still I want to feel hopeful and have faith since, "This too shall pass".

Scared and anxious - that's what I saw in his eyes, scared that I might hurt him since every other human did this to him and anxious since he could not trust us what pain he has to go through again. When people say that I am very sensitive then may be I am and proud about it but I wish I had the power to make anyone who says that, feel the pain this poor soul is feeling right now and has been since the day he met with an accident. I felt it, the moment I saw him and he looked at me.

The first day was exhausting emotionally for me and my friend Meenakshi since we got him on the table and he was given pain relief injections and then he ate. Next day when I had to pick him up for x-ray he was running away but I had to feed him so he stays at that place till I waited for Meenakshi to come with the car. One lady came to me shouting something in the local language and I was so disturbed that I told her that I cant hear you. She thought I am deaf and left from there but she was clearly asking me to not feed the dog. How insensitive some humans really are? This amazes me a lot when I cant understand those people world and their inhuman behavior and that I feel disgusted that I am one of their kind. Yet again I feel happy and hopeful when only a handful come forward to help somehow.

Only today, after 3 days he has started wagging his little tail while looking at me and sleeping in my lap while I was trying to make him comfortable in lying down. Although he cried and shouted but I guess he knows now that help has come and now he is in good hands. I want to thank all who have helped, Meenakshi, Seemee, Avijit, Abhijit, Mona, Monaz, and lot many who have contributed (please forgive me if I have forgotten any other name). Will make a list of name who contributed and display in the blog later. today he leaves for the care he needs till the surgery and after the surgery too.

Request everyone and anyone who sees an accident of an animal please click a picture of the vehicle and the animal and try to search for the nearest vet on google call them and ask them about the nearby shelter or any shelter they know who can help. Don't try to chase the dog, save the location and send it all to the shelter you come across or any volunteer that you know. Tell the people nearby that you are sending help for the animal and that they should help the animal by at least letting him/her sit in a corner somewhere and not beating or shooing them away. I know that it all will be a little mentally exhausting and time consuming, but it might help the poor animal out, cos people come forward to help humans but not animals. Follow up with the person you reported the case to, it will be helpful too.

Speciesism is what we face all the time from different people, we do not want it to increase more and understand that we need to co-exist and not have a superiority complex. Speciesism' is the idea that being human is a good enough reason for human animals to have greater moral rights than non-human animals. ...a prejudice or bias in favor of the interests of members of one's own species and against those of members of other species.

Live to Express

When people say that you need experience to understand things around you and what would happen and how would people perceive you when you behave in a particular way, I always thought that why should we behave in a way we are expected to, by others. Although we all do not like to be judged but we do and then we think about our choices that we have made. We introspect and do lots of things to understand how things could be better in order to pretend to be someone else's expectation. In this constant fight we forget who we truly are, what we are made of, what are the things that we have in us that makes us.

In the society people say that if we think about ourselves only, then we are selfish and that we have to think about others first. We are suppose to feel guilty about thinking for ourselves. Of course there is a fine line between being too selfish and harming anyone for our self

. But there are few things that are cliche about thinking in a particular way. Its like animal kingdom, there are certain rules and way of doing things and they cannot be changed. Now we say that we are different from animals and that we have the capability of using our brains and develop ourselves and grow intellectually, so then why do we become like animals by categorizing few practices as wrong and few right. Who defines what's "Wrong" and what's "Right"? I believe there is nothing wrong or right but there are different ways to think about a particular thing. It is about your perspective and your way to think about situations and deal with them. 

There are so many topics like life after marriage, same sex marriage, child after marriage, travel, solo travel, leading life alone, Job or business, earn good since your friend is earning better, compete and keep running after money, food or shelter or luxury, it seems we are slaves to our wishes. When one wish is finished we grab hold to another one. Its a loop and life seems to get caught in that loop and we forget what we truly are from within. I would be using somebody else's line here but its really apt to use it here that we live to impress and not express. These are 2 different words but sometimes to understand the exact meaning we have to go through lots of situations in life which makes us believe in expressing ourselves, without worrying about pleasing someone else. 

On the contrary, we should be open to critics as well and be open minded to accept others perspective and see the things the way they do and then we have a choice again to buy that thought or not. We should not be pressurized and feel guilty for taking a decision which may seem a little selfish but in the end it makes our SOUL happy. We should live free and to express ourselves. Yes, there will be opinions and judgments that will affect our behavior. Nobody can make you feel, the way you are feeling until unless you let it make you feel that way.

I am lucky to have people around me who appreciate for who I am and not what I should be. Hope we all find people who bring out the best in us and make us connect to our Soul and not just put a mask on our faces just to please others.

Wanted to know what love is... Found myself.

Its hard to say what really love is and how does it feel to be truly in love. A person who knows what you think, how you are made from within, what you truly are. I felt it, where I don't have to pretend, be who I really am and act as people want me to be. When you feel complete, you feel weak and strong both at the same time, if at all its possible. You feel independent and ready to take on the world as it comes, it also scares you but you are ready, you know that there is a support which need not be said in those many words. All you can do is feel, feel the strength from within. Feel the confidence, feel the connect and all with it.

When you are with that person, it is like the explosion you never had, feelings you never had, emotions you never felt, it feels as if someone is literally taking your breath away but you feel alive from within, you feel lighter as its taking away all the worries and negativity and all you could feel is the emptiness and the chaos together, as if your life has flashed in front of your eyes, you feel overwhelmed yet calm at the same time, you find yourself standing there, as if you are stripped naked and looking at yourself in the mirror. And then you know what you truly are, from within. When we thrive for love, is it important to stay with the person you are in love with? Does it has to be painful to stay away? Of course it is going to hurt and be a little painful and hard to stay away but is it okay to stop yourself to feel the love flow through you and be in the moment; in that particular moment nothing else matters, every thing is just silent. You are at peace with yourself.

Let me share a small experience, when I broke up with my ex I was in lot of pain and every time I use to think about him I use to cry and didn't know how to deal with the pain, became restless. Even the small things which would remind me of him, gave me lots and lots of pain, but when I was talking to a friend on the phone, he said something which reminded me of our past conversation and I was silent and stiff and could not think but only felt the pain of separation. I tried to stop myself from feeling that pain and in return I felt negative, sad and restless. My friend noticed there was something wrong and he asked me and I told him that I cant get over him. He just asked me to follow what he is saying, asked me to close my eyes and let the pain take over and let it flow and not fight it. I was surprised and asked him are you my friend and he said just try this, nothing else helped right? So what is the harm in trying. I followed, and amazingly it felt different. I felt the pain taking over and enveloping my body, and I was welling up, but it was slow and tears were dripping and not hurtful, it was as if my heart and mind was trying to soak in the thought that he is not going to be a part of my life and I have to come at peace with this thought. Let myself understand that life goes on and the love continues and it is not necessary to take action for whatever you are feeling. Just let the feeling take over you and you need to go with it. For some people this exercise might be scary and might pull them in the past (so Do NOT try this at home, without professional supervision).

When we connect to someone intellectually, physically, mentally and spiritually that connection which makes you feel complete, like you have found your soulmate. But it is sometimes not important to act on it and just close your eyes and feel from within and let the feelings flow and take over, that's when you say you are in that moment and let yourself go. Respect the feelings and let them take over you and let it flow. You will realize that you will be at peace and feel the calm and silence and listen to the feelings instead of fighting with it for any reasons. Although it is scary to let the feelings take over, but when I experienced every bit of it, it was awesome.

You feel that you are enough for yourself, in spite of being alone you don't feel lonely but you feel fulfilled and complete. Its just you and while in silence you could feel your heartbeats only which makes you feel alive. You need that me time and that silence where its just you and only YOU. Its always a girls dream to find her Hero, so I became one...

Missing my Brother

Today is Rakhsha Bandhan and all sisters tie a knot to their brothers, where they make a promise to their sisters to protect them from all harms and troubles and the sisters pray to God to protect their brother from all evil. I am missing my brother a lot, cos he was a real protector in all means for me. I loved him and I wish wherever he is right now he must be happy and peaceful.

He was so small and cute when we got him home. He could fit into my hands and his mouth would smell of milk. The softest cute little thing I have ever taken in my hands. But then he grew up and became strong and like a superman. Very playful and very naughty but very aggressive sometimes. He use to tear up my notes and turn it into bits and pieces as all little brothers would do.

The moment we moved in our new house where dad has to stay out of station we were protected by him and we actually got the guts to move in alone and be the 2nd person in the building. He use to be very active and aggressive. The most important thing was he can not see me in pain. He use to cry when I was sad, he didnt eat food when I was gone. He bonded all of us together cos he was the happiest when all 3 of us were with him. The most amazing thing about him was he use to hate to wear anything on the wrist. Not more than 10 to 15 mins it was thrown but on this day he wore the rakhi for the whole day. He was my black labrador.

One incidence I remember is that he pounced on my friend the moment I said Ahh cos he touched my feet after I got in an accident, showing all his teeth standing in front of his face and barking as if he would soon take action for this. Wow! I felt so good and protected. He was my brother in real sense.

Unfortunately, he got sick and his liver failed due to steroids he was given to protect but it became the cause of his misery. Doctors gave up on him and told us that prepare yourself and stay with him for few days that are left for him. The last day when he was in my arms, I could feel his pain and misery and was hoping that it would end soon. Then the doctor suggested to let him go peacefully and we gave him one last hug and was holding his paws and let him go. He was not in our life but was relieved from the misery he was suffering I saw a black lab today in the morning and was welling up with emotions so could not help but express my feelings here.

I miss you Raja, we all do and we hope and pray you remain happy wherever you are. Love you.